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Deviant for 7 Years
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There's something beyond description about silence. And a world of difference lies between being silent and being silenced.
It's like drowning, like falling through cold heavy waters. Like being submerged by something stronger, louder, bigger. It's suffocating and frightening to fall, but at the bottom, in the deep, it's peaceful. Unbreakable, unreachable peace. After the battle for life, for breath, you surrender. Going under. Did you give up? Did you just give in?
Like water, it wraps around your entire being and swallows you to elsewhere. Alienates you and maybe even kisses the life out of your lips.
and your lips are sealed. don't say a word, don't tell a soul. for words don't matter, and souls won't hear your matter-less words.
don't say a word and just take in the water. take in the silence. and wait.
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 2 6
Friends with the monster
there's a coupon for a body sculpting session in my mailbox. there's a line of people with ego issues lined up to judge me.
thought i was walking down the street but i see you. you stop me and i look blankly at you. i don't see you, because you can't be real, you can't be really here. you're gone. am i sleepwalking? when did i fall asleep?
"hey," you greet me softly.
i don't bother answering. i stand in silence and wait for you to vanish again. like always.
"how much do you hate me?"
i look at you, stare into your eyes and don't blink. you stare back, with a false smile on your lips. i keep my silence. i wished my answer mattered. i wished anything at all mattered. but whatever will come out of my lips will resonate wrongly. whatever i will say will not change what you've taken care to engrave inside your skull.
"talk to me, please" you beg.
i've been looking away, so when my eyes meet yours again i discover that their lids are brimming with tears. i blink and the drops fall unceremoni
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 1 0
Mature content
Latching :iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 1 0
"you look beautiful", he tells her as he touches his fingertip to her chin.
her eyes light up with her wide smile. "i've missed you so much," she says, drawing closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"i've missed you too," he replies into her ear before he kisses it.
i stare at the watch around his wrist as he places his arm behind her back to pull her closer to him. i think they kiss. i can't look away from the artifact. i can't start to my feet to move away from this nightmare.
in my mind i step closer. in my mind i unclasp the watch from his hand, a reverse of what i've done two years back, in the dead of a hot august night. in my mind i leave them to their embrace and walk away with my gift. in my mind i throw the luxury piece of leather in the water.
but i just stand and stare at the hands of the clock. i stare at the hands that were supposed to tick the time of our separation away. and then i lose the watch from sight as he buries his hand in her lush hair.
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 1 0
Mature content
pinned panes :iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 1 0
just because
because i'll always be "just that".
because you believe in the north pole and i believe in the south.
and until the two meet this story won't change.
because you'll always be late to come, eager to finish and early to leave.
because that work call will be more important. because that desk will be more luring.
because that status is better applauded. because that money feels better than my hand in yours.
because you traded me in for all that power and wealth.
because time spent with me was better spent in this temple you call office.
because you made me dispensable even though you learnt i'm irreplaceable.
because i will refuse to seduce you. because i'll never want you to desire me for my cover.
because my cover will weather but i won't. because if you're only in it for my skin, i'll want you out.
because you'll always look elsewhere when you know where the answer is.
because you will look away from where your heart is staring.
because i'll never stop wanting you and i'll never know wh
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 1 5
then came february
i still miss you. it's february 2013, over a year since we last kissed, and i still miss you.
inside me, she still waits for you. she looks older these days. it's as though the weight of each passing day away from you struck a wrinkle in her skin. as though each passing moment of disappointment, of dreams flapping their wings away, bleached a hair on her head. but she's still waiting. she's subdued these days. vibrance must have evaporated through her skin as her hopes fled her once boiling blood. she sits at a table, alone in the midst of crowds, and sips on her porcelain cup of tea. she stares ahead, eyes gazing distractedly, trying to pierce cryptic futures. i know she's just looking for signs of you, the rest of the future, she doesn't care about.
i've carried through my life. i relegated our memories to her. she silently carried the heavy burden so i could dive into a world of no-you. she used to talk to me. she use to tell me dust-clad stories of us, recount to me the exact shape
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 3 3
Mature content
drop :iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 7
no thing nest
"you failed", they told her, as they walked out the room, the doors still swinging behind them.
swing. she sees the inside of the room. swing. the white door. swing. she sees the blood on the floor. swing. the white door. swing. somebody pulls a cover over two corpses. swing. white. swing. blood.
little voices in her head came to whisper numbers. little voices didn't tell her what the numbers were. they trusted her mind to stitch the pieces together. and her mind did. it was simple. deadlines. literally. times of deaths. little voices came to tell her when the corpses that were right across the door from her will become corpses.
she ran, when she put the pieces together. she ran to them. she warned them, but all that came out of her lips was a language no one could understand. she vomited notes, glass shards and unintelligible letters. they thought she was crazy, and she was. she tried again. she threw rocks at them when she saw them crossing the street. she threw rocks because she wan
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 2
stab. stab. i miss you. stab.
stab. i miss you. stab. what use is this? stab. i miss you. stab stab stab.
i long.
my longing cannot be satiated. stab. a question in the dark with nothing but its echo to answer it. it. it stabs. stab.
i find myself roaming heedlessly, telling the beggar on the street that i miss you. confining in the wall facing me with the aching of my hungry heart. stab.
i miss you still. i'm sipping on my coke, and thinking of you while the little bubbles burst against the skin of my lips. pop.
pop pop
pop. the shadow passes. it always does. pop. sun moves and never stops.
no. we move around sun and never stop. sun just watches. a patch of orbiting space. there, your shadow rises and falls with the breathing of my globe. bob. a shadow on a patch of space on my globe that i choose to color with time. color color. one day it is red. the next it will be blue. i color alone, where are you?
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 1 2
convince me you're happy
convince me you're happy.
convince me you're happy and i will let you go. i will set me free.
convince me your smile today is as bright as it was yesterday. convince me the spark of life that used to burn in your chest is alight. convince me your dreams are coming true before your bright eyes. convince me you're not concealing sadness in your rotting depths. convince me you don't feel empty. convince me you don't feel a gnawing loneliness.
i don't care for you. i've been made to do so. so convince me. because if i am convinced you are happy, i am convinced my job with you is done. and i can finally let you go.
i need to let you go. i need that part of me to die. so please love, convince me you are happy so i can let you and me go.
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 3
green moving sands
"i'm afraid", i confess to the darkness.
the blade feels so light in my hand. so hungry. a hunger for flesh.
there's a pool in front of me. a small marsh-like pool where waters of dead pasts interweave. strays of black smoke undulate under the murky surface, luring me to dive back in. so i hold the sharp metal instrument tightly, because it's my ship in those waters.
the corpse of a once beautiful man lies in the floor of the emerald pool. it's you. water and time have bleached your skin. the little fish have fed over your flesh. but your eyes stare right on. their green piercing through the water. their green still seeking the brown in mine. you're a dead corpse, but your look is as alive as that swiveling black smoke. as vibrant as that little static buzz in the thin metal blade i pinch between my fingers.
i pull nervously at the seams of my white dress. heavy fog snakes around my feet, inviting me into the poisonous lake. i step one foot forth, before a warm hand grabs onto my shoul
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 2
long gone candy
my friend picks up. it's you on the phone. i'm sitting behind her and hearing the echo of your voice. my heart feels like… it feels like the smell of a warm chocolate cake that just came out of the oven. then i realize that, i can't have the cake. has my heart been weaved to yours? is that why even though i can let you go, i can't change what i feel? i can't shake off how true you feel? i can't deconstruct our inevitability?
she talks to you and i smile. she carries a part of me, so i sillily think you are in contact with a part of me. conversation stretches on. i wonder if i cross your mind. i wonder how i cross your mind.
but my pencil is scratching drawings of my own mind on the paper. the paper speaks to the pencil as the lead skates on its surface. they talk and i listen to them instead of lending an ear to candy i can no longer taste. the wonderland that my hand draws is beautiful, a reflection of an inner beauty. a mirror of a Greater hand placed in me.
i smile in gratitude
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 2
scars in lenses
i see my scars every day.
some days i don't register what they are.
some days i do.
when i don't register what they are, i see a pale white line that cuts its way across my skin. a stranger, an intrusion, an oddity. some days i find it complementary, some days i find it ugly.
it's when i do register what they are that a world unfolds. times slip. it's no longer a vector going from point to point. it's a fluid that loses and forms itself across my thoughts. and my thoughts drift from the scar to the cut. then from the cut to the blade. then from the blade to my mind. my blood changes its color in my veins. a memory of sadness makes its way to my heart. but it can't make its way in. my heart is too bright. so bright it would burn it. so the memory stands outside the doors of my heart, looking in. peeping at me. i wave at the memory. i thank the pain, my teacher.
i look at my scar again as time shapes back into its present form, into what they call reality. i caress what is frowned upon.
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 6
i fall in peace
bring them forth,
your army of monsters,
your demons, you nightmares,
those black waters and those moving sands.
bring the shadows, bring the night
bring darkness, bring fright
but you can no longer scare me
for i am light
i feel God in my sight
i am beauty, i am love
i fall in peace, from far above
:iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 0
Mature content
before forward :iconazza-magena:Azza-Magena 0 2


1. i still leave all the doors in my house open.
there’s not that many anyway, but i can’t bear
to hear them shut anymore. the draft is
killing me—i don’t remember the last
time i felt warm.
2. if time stopped when i was with you,
it is making up those seconds now because
i blink and the tea is no longer steaming
and it is no longer night and i am still
writing this poem, trying to convince myself
that i am not waiting for you to call.
3. surely the butterflies i got when i first
saw you created hurricanes on the other side of
the world. whenever it rains, i still think of you.
4. my keyboard is growing anxious. i keep typing
out the same letters, but i never hit send. the tea
has probably grown cold by now. it is, probably,
time to delete your number.
5. tonight, i close my bedroom door by accident.
the click is so loud that i think the whole world can hear it.
i think that they all stop for a couple of
seconds, listening to that resounding finality bang
off th
:iconmisfitablegrae:MisfitableGrae 46 5
i have longed for you by nami64
Mature content
i have longed for you :iconnami64:nami64 379 12
Birdie. by PascalCampion Birdie. :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 345 41 Dragonfly by agnes-cecile Dragonfly :iconagnes-cecile:agnes-cecile 2,710 66 Undefeated by PascalCampion Undefeated :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 283 31 Doing NOTHING...and loving it. by PascalCampion Doing NOTHING...and loving it. :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 242 21 Cat and Flu by loish Cat and Flu :iconloish:loish 6,791 144 One more meatball supper for you. by PascalCampion One more meatball supper for you. :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 745 53 Foggy but sunny... by PascalCampion Foggy but sunny... :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 349 16 -It's raining, it's pouring..... by PascalCampion -It's raining, it's pouring..... :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 492 23 who's gonna save my soul now by andrahilde who's gonna save my soul now :iconandrahilde:andrahilde 274 4 5, 4, 3, 2..... by PascalCampion 5, 4, 3, 2..... :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 492 28 Luminous by JaimeIbarra Luminous :iconjaimeibarra:JaimeIbarra 209 2 The next Great American Story. by PascalCampion The next Great American Story. :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 512 30 Here we go again. by PascalCampion Here we go again. :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 641 26 Give them a fish, they eat for a day. by PascalCampion Give them a fish, they eat for a day. :iconpascalcampion:PascalCampion 500 28


a blank page opens up to me. a page that still hasn't born the weight of your name, or my words about us, or the ink my blood makes when these thoughts hurt.

it's become less blank, less virgin, more tainted. i ruined it, knowingly. because i bear a tumor that i need to pour somewhere. and this little white innocent thing is collateral damage. 

we've become so tainted, so dirtied. so bad and so good. so evil, so starved for soul food, for heart solace, so lost and so repentant. the page might have been blank one day, but that was long ago and now it's a scroll. now it holds what eyes can read and hearts can feel and that's miles better than virgin white to me. it may not be as pure but it has things to tell and things to leave untold. 

i close another page filled with my words. i keep making promises of forgetting your mention, forgetting you. but i keep forgetting, that without you, my muse, i have no reason to write. you made my heart swell with a happiness pill and then you slashed through it. and so i write and keep writing till my blood-ink runs dry. till i tire of writing you. 

mirror mirror on the wall, who's the dirtiest of them all?

  • Listening to: Sputnik
  • Reading: An ethnography of wallstreet
  • Watching: i don't do TV


Azza-Magena's Profile Picture
Current Residence: Lebanon
Favourite genre of music: Rock and Alternative and most of their derivations
Favourite style of art: suggestive art
MP3 player of choice: walkman
Wallpaper of choice: Something i yanked out of DA


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MidnightWabbit Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Azza Magena! Bunny-Emoji-11-(Emoji-Drum-Roll) 
Azza-Magena Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013
what's up rabbit?
MidnightWabbit Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Eh, nothing really. Just felt like we haven't talked much lately. Writing anything new? Painting any pictures? Have you traveled the world in a hot balloon yet?
Azza-Magena Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013
i've written lots of things, but i'm not publishing anything... only one sad portrait is my excuse of "painting pictures". and yes actually i did travel, to greece incidentally, but in a regular plane, no fancy hot air ballon =/
what about you? miss my melancholic texts? where have you been traveling to?
(1 Reply)
MidnightWabbit Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yo Azza, I went and created a new profile so.... just to sort of leave behind my online identity and stuff.
Azza-Magena Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013
oh! i was wondering where you disappeared to!
MidnightWabbit Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yup, I just changed my internet provider and whatnot. Dicing potatoes.
MidnightRabbit13 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013
Well, Happy Bithday!!! :) I wish I could add something spectacular in this box or something, but my well wishes will have to do.
Azza-Magena Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013
haha thank you!
your wishes alone are spectacular! ^^
MidnightRabbit13 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
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